You exist there on that fading star,
that I look at every night.
I gaze upon it, knowing,
I will never reach that far.
What I wouldn’t give,
to write a story that we could live.
I would change it all,
so that I could forgive.
You are an unescaping thought,
something I wished I forgot.
I’m tired because I fought
and you’re still not mine.
You, so full of pride,
full of sorrow and so very tired.
Your mind’s in chaos, a riot,
a violent ocean dreaming quiet.
You’re so stubborn, like a child,
your soul, pure.
You loved me too, but you stayed silent,
I’ve been poisoned and there is no cure.
Let me take hold of your hand.
Let me kiss it, help you understand.
Let me kiss the other one too,
so it won’t be jealous, like I am.
Of the rain that falls upon the softest cheeks,
the drops of water that kiss your lips,
the thirst I wished, was just for me.
I write so that your heart is free,
knowing someone is always here, praying for you.
God left me here, to walk this land,
to worship where you stand.
He put life inside my chest,
so I would live to immortalize his best,
Do you think of me sometimes?
Do you miss me?
All those days we left behind,
all that history?
Does your heart burn like mine,
when you hear someone lying,
trying to tell you, it will be just fine,
but we know that something’s missing?
After all that precious time,
which felt like life had passed on by,
I still sometimes, think of you.
It’s cruel how time just flew,
as if it knew, that me and you,
would stick apart like glue.
And so now that we both grew,
into strangers, I’d have to meet you again.
I’d become your friend, look at you as if this world ends, where your lips begin.
I’d hold your hands and live in sin, kiss you slow and breathe you in,
as I’ve always known deep within,
you are the one for me.
But still, sometimes I wonder, do you think of me?
I dreamt about you last night.
I woke up feeling really tired.
I was nude, stripped of all my lying,
the only thing that’s left was you.
I woke up, really crying,
it felt that the world was cruel.
They say once you dream of someone,
all they seem to think of, is you.
You were standing there before me,
unchanged, broken to the core.
Your hands were cold, hurt and lonely,
your beautiful heart was torn and sore.
You held your hands out for me, I kept them warm.
Your eyes red from crying,
screamed deep into my own.
I held you tight, so that you would know,
you are not alone.
It felt like my life was whole,
like everything would be just fine,
until I woke up and realized it was all inside my mind.
You my dear, someone that is so hard to find.
And as time passed us by,
as I forgot your name and you forgot mine,
on that cold December morning,
for a moment, it was real.
Though you will never know
and the moment’s already gone,
we were happy for a moment.
And as I sat there broken,
empty just as you,
I really, once more, started hoping.
If what they say is true,
that when someone thinks of you,
they sink into your dreams,
it seems, you think of me too.
So go to sleep, close your eyes.
Stay warm, calm yourself,
hold your pretty hands tight, just as I might.
Know, deep in your heart that I am not far behind.
We will breathe some more
and then everything will be alright.
Because tonight, when night falls,
I will see you in my dreams.
So today, on the 13th of November (the day I annually complete an orbit around the sun) I have reached a personal milestone!
This would officially be my 100th post, for this year. Oddly enough, I also got my 200th follower today.
I didn’t even realize I had written this much, until last month, which made me look back and contemplate just how much of a battle 2020 was. I usually only write poetry, out of necessity. At times when my mind overflows and it starts spilling ink all over the place. The past eleven months have apparently been quite bumpy, causing me to spill this much out.
I have grown a lot these past 365 days, personally, achieving most of the goals I had set out for myself, without even noticing it. I learned not to hold on to stubborn childish dreams, but instead keep updating them as your mind grows and do the best you can, with what you’ve given. Never to be hard on myself for simply trying my best. To take it one day at a time and as I do today, look back on the road travelled and feel a little pride. I lost people, learned the value of self-care and I’m coming close to seeing the worth in me. Most of all, I finally reached a place, where I’m happy, being with myself, rather than broken, chasing the wrong people.
I learned not to place all my hopes and dreams in certain souls, but rather realize I’m in this life alone. Not to lose myself in people who are replaceable, as the only unique thing any one of us will ever have is ourselves.
As of today, I have now officially lost nearly 30 kg. (65 lbs.), got myself in a much better shape and while every day is another battle to be fought, there will be no white flags waving, anytime soon.
I made it through this difficult year, thanks to artists and their creations. Art is the single most human thing, any of us can leave behind and while I’m glad I got to share my work with you guys and I’m extremely grateful to every single one of you who read my work, I hope I write less for the rest of my life (probably won’t ever happen), or that I learn to write out of bliss.
So far, the only way I know how to write, is out of sorrow and the weight of unspoken words. Hopefully the next orbit around our beautiful star, will be easier on my mind and I’ll get to perhaps post more music, or poems out of love, rather than the loss of it.
Life is a poem itself, which I hope I’m wise enough to write, so that someone would care enough to read. There will be countless struggles ahead, there will be lot’s of frustration, but mostly there will be hope, that what we go through, how we express ourselves, will help someone else grow with us. Love yourselves, do your best and that is more than enough. Everything will be alright.
This post was not poetic, wise and basically only knee deep in my shallow waters. This post was mostly to congratulate myself for surviving people and mostly my own self. To anybody whom might read these words, feeling hopeless, we fight for what we choose.
Choose wisely. Accept. Adapt.
Everything will be just fine.
Have a pleasant flight through the infinite ocean, our beautiful blue marble is floating through and once more, thank you all!
I am so, very proud of you.
Every cry of desperation, agonizing pain that you’ve been through.
All the losses, broken hearts that you’ve endured,
you’re still standing tall, fragile, smiling like a fool.
I am so, very, proud of you.
The person you’ve become,
in a world that was often cruel.
With all your imperfections, a rare precious jewel.
All the people that came into your life,
that drank from your soul, wiped with their sleeves and sighed,
the love that was born, the strings that were torn and the hope that had died.
All the times you tried not to cry,
when your voice shivered and you cracked along your mind.
When you could not find a reason as hard as you tried,
None of it will ever get easy,
you will stay this pure and your soul will stay dreaming.
You will hurt for others and others will hurt you deeply,
but you will always have me, if you need me.
For who else will know you, like I do,
the only one that could never lie to you too.
Everything will be alright, life is sometimes blue
and me and you, we’ll get through.
I’m so, very proud of you.
…and how do they do this?
How does someone take your heart,
use you like they use up art,
dry you slow and then depart,
discard of you once you’ve played your part?
How can they let lies slip through,
their pretty, soft lips, so easily?
How can someone’s worth be measured,
how can love ever breathe in secrecy?
Why is it all so simple, for such shallow, perfect souls?
Is it wiser to be empty, agonizing to be whole?
Do they ever truly live, before they fall?
Are the tortured ones, the ones whom live in grief,
the only ones that never leave, at all?
Oh, these beautiful, flawless monsters,
that conquered every lonely mind.
Would you ever trust someone,
who’s left someone behind?
Would you feel safe,
if all they ever gave you,
was the promise you know is cheap?
I wish nothing but life,
to those who never give.
Wow, I can write words that rhyme,
for ages with this broken mind.
Could you write a different time,
where they could see, what you can cry –
“Every last excruciating drop of your existence.
A scream that paints your worth.
All the laughter, all the warmth,
that they do not deserve.
To give away all the love,
you so badly yearn.”
Could you write your place inside a story?
If not for you, my words, they would be soaring,
lost without a home, hoping for a morning,
where I can feel some pain.
Because the closest thing I’ve had to you,
is this feeling of despair.
The only other purpose besides loving you is
trying to fill my lungs with air,
when mountains grow on top my throat.
I do not want her back,
regardless of how hard to cope.
I will grow some more,
before I learn to hope.
For my dreams they fly much higher than me,
I’d live ten lives fighting my fears,
I’d drown in cries and battle my years,
I’d even live inside my mind, but never steer your way.
Because you gave away,
every day, I’d had to live.
Now I pray you find your love
and know that I forgive.
I will never understand people,
as long as I be.
Whatever, that’s just me.
Tried my hand at some indie rock.
Baby do you live in fear of
Walking closer, whats behind you
or who’s looking in the mirror, (mind you)
That tomorrow’s getting nearer
and you’re still so far away
and I fear that you cannot hear us (so I)
Want to live a life sinners
cas’ the halo on your head was bright
and now it’s getting dimmer (will you)
Soak me deep inside your evil
hurt me slowly hurt me often
don’t let go cas’ I’m just fallin’ and
I can’t stop
No I won’t stop
Cas’ gravity is calling me
Baby will you just please let me go 2X
You seem so pleased when I’m in pain
will you help me, will you hold my hand
I’m dancing in the rain, and why you
You’re always walking so astray
Even though I always guide you,
my fragile little thing and then I
Spoke your name to all the waves
swam ashore they wanted more
so they came crashing chasing flames and she says
You are all the same
but girl you’ll live forever
cas’ you broke my motherfucking brain
I can’t stop
No I won’t stop
Cas’ gravity is calling me
Baby will you just please let me go 2X
Or just come home
I can feel it crawl below my skin.
Somewhere around my breast where the soul is thin.
Punishment for a life of sin.
My pain resides, it cracks a grin.
I’m too heavy to try to swim.
My arms too tired so I fall to sink.
My voice it cracks each time I scream
and angels clap as they think I sing.
On the brink of hope, I live a life.
Full of regret, battling a mind.
A little bit of comfort is hard to find,
did I make a mistake, what is right?
Where is it that I belong?
Have the arrows stopped or is time that long?
Is each chest an ocean raging storms,
or am I the one that’s wrong?
Is each soul, all that strong,
where did mine break, I wish it was whole.
Did I give too much away,
will I ever come home?
A tragedy, to be misunderstood.
I don’t speak their language and I wish I could.
I yearn so badly for her, I wish she would,
fight as hard as I did, back when I stood.
I dream with all my being, to fix our flaws,
I ache for her and my will it falls.
She has the power to fix it all,
but I am a fool, to crawl for these walls.
As time has passed and I am now certain,
she knew my deepest darkest truth.
She used it all to keep me hurting,
and asks for me to love the cruel.
I’d walk the lands for you,
I’d sail the seas.
I’d steal the moon too,
so none else would come near,
to how painfully beautiful you are.
These are not just words.
I beg of you understand that it hurts,
how little you think of all my worth.
Let me prove and climb this Earth.
All I ask, is you choose me
and by God, that shouldn’t be too hard.
Me, me alone,
when I am at my weakest, or rule a throne.
All I ask for, is you trust me.
Tell me all your pain,
trust I’d never let a drop of rain,
fall upon your angelic face.
My biggest fear,
is that I am not enough.
So understand, that I do not care what happened before me,
I am here, if life was rough.
I am here to hear all your stories,
Not to judge, though hard to believe.
I know I didn’t leave much but grief,
but please see it’s for I feared my place in your heart.
Though poetry has become such a waste of ink.
If the one whom it dries for does not think,
that my words carry weight.
I speak the pain within my soul.
I’ll change the world for you,
at least my own.
All I ask for is I come first,
or have me gone.
If I am to be your every second,
that soaks into your arms every night,
tonight until the end of time,
I don’t ask for much.
Simply, that you love me.
As I will love you under the weight of time.